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When you’re the only one (who doesn’t grieve for Grandma)

This week a coworker of mine didn’t come in because her grandmother had just passed away that morning, meanwhile another coworker of mine had been traveling six hours back and forth every weekend to see her grandmother who is on her death bed. Even in the beginning of the year my boss had left in a hurry to go back to her home state because she had gotten the news of her grandmother’s passing, all the while I was thinking in my mind “wow these people are taking the passing of their grandmothers really hard.” My mind could not understand why, because to me it was just grandma, not Mom! Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks; “When you’re the only one who doesn’t grieve for grandma!”

So I ventured back some twenty years or so, when I got the call that my grandmother, “Mother Dear” had passed away. I grieved but not because of her dying, but because my mother had lost her mother. You see my mother had been living her entire life trying to please her mother and there was absolutely no pleasing her. I was never close to my grandmother, neither were my eight brothers and sisters. She lived in another state and never wanted to leave to be closer to her family here in Chicago. There was a time she had a brother and sister here (both are now deceased) but she never wanted to live here. However when she visited Chicago she never stayed with her daughter and grandchildren, it was way too many of us for her to be there and she’d stay with her sister. Although she was right there were a lot of us under one roof, it’s not like we wouldn’t make room for her. I mean she was our grandmother and she was only gonna be there for a short time. Never the less, she insisted on staying with her sister. This didn’t make us develop any type of relationship with her, it was to me that she just didn’t want to be bothered with us. I began to feel the same way, I didn’t want to be bothered with her either.

There was no high reverence to her being “GRANDMA ALMIGHTY” she was just Mother Dear which was not a term of endearment or a special name to call her, it was just the name my mother used to refer to her so we did the same and she never said otherwise. She was not the glue that held us together and when she died we fell a part or there was separation among the family, NOPE! After she’d passed away, we turned our attention towards our mother, whom at the time was ill herself and passed away six months later. But that’s another story to be told at another time. At any rate, I always felt that she just looked at my in shame for having 9 kids and marrying my father who was a dark skinned man, again another story for another time. So Mother Dear never really had a strong relationship with us, through my eyes she never had a relationship with us…….at all. When she died, she had a full family of grandchildren and great grandchildren of whom she never knew or some she never even met. Again through my eyes, I don’t think she ever cared to. So now fast forward to now, and I’m just baffled at how so many people are so grief stricken when they lose their grandmother and all though I know my reason of why I hear that voice in my head saying “it’s just grandma” I still get a little dismissive when others are so broken when they lose theirs. Now I have to shake off those feelings now because everyone’s grandmother experience is not like mine, and understand that for a lot of families grandma is the glue, the backbone, the first Mother of the family and her presence is missed once she is gone. People who experience this have this great ability to share stories of how grandma did this or grandma was so great at that, or even have traditions that grandma passed down to them. However, when you’re the only one who didn’t have THAT grandma, you don’t have those same emotions or feelings about grandmother and her demise leaves you with very little emotion or even without emotion at all.




When you’re the only one

I CAN”T STAND HER! (My nemesis whom I can’t stay away from)

I am sitting here listening to the audio book about say yes and am completely and utterly disgusted…………..and interested at the same time!!! Here I’ll explain. You see there is this woman whom I detest, yet am intrigued with, I will not divulge her name just because, well…..I just don’t want to give her name, besides before you finish reading this you will have already figured it, er I mean figured who she is. Everyone loves her; she is a writer, producer, author, mother, production company owner, woman of color, and certified “Bad Ass” and I HATE HER!!! She fricken owns Thursday nights on a major network, and when her t.v. shows come on, you better not say a word or even breath too hard or tons for women will give you the ultimate evil eye!!! I have to say once upon a time I was a faithful watcher of two of her shows, however the more I found out about her the more I loathed her. I began to realize that this disdain for was beginning to increase more and more; it was official I didn’t just dislike her; I HATED HER!!

Now when I say hate, (such a strong word) I don’t mean the antonym of love. NO! I mean in the same sense of the synonym of Jealousy; yes that’s right you guessed it; I am a bonafide hater!!! Oh but it is for good reason…………..Bitch stole my life!!!   Okay so I’m listening to her book on audio about how she decided that she would begin to say yes to things or people and I’m thinking whoa I totally get this, I totally get what her struggle was. It is so easy to stay in your caccoon and be within your comfort zone. However if you are a person who is involved in some mega great work as she is, you must get out and enjoy life. She and I hail from the same city, (by way of the ‘burbs) and we are the same age. She is a writer and so am I. Our only difference is she followed our dreams and I didn’t it! Listening to her I felt as though she was spying on my life and I even began to feel a little violated.With all that we share or have in common, it had become quite obvious that she stole my life.

Alright I guess it is not fair that I hate her for pursuing her dreams and I didn’t pursue mine. I suppose I could begin to pursue my own dreams and aspirations, and maybe just maybe when we meet, we will hash out our grievances and then we will become best friends and have tea with our other besties Michele O. and O. Winfrey. Until then I shall continue my disdain from a distance…………..unless I take her master class; Oh great now just add teacher to her list of things we share. Great just GREAT!

Hodge Podge……………About Me!

Hodge Podge

I like sweet potatoes but I don’t like sweet potato pie, for this my black card is checked quite often. It’s not like I said I don’t like greens I just could go without the crust of a pie wrapped around sweet potato mush. I want to become a vegetarian but I like bacon a lot it is the one thing that keeps me from vegging out! Food sometimes is my best friend and most times my worst enemy. I would much rather dance to house music old school hip hop or good ol’ foot stomping gospel music than listen to another sad love song. I like to move to the beat not sway to it. If I’m sweating and you’re sweating I think it is a good idea to keep that hot funky mess away from each other. No telling what science project may form from that! I’ll skip the slow dance so don’t ask. There are days that as a fat girl I would like to get hit on as much as that fat guy does. And sometimes let the guy that hits on me be skinny!!! However he would never get a chance to get any of this fineness because…………………..Eww he too skinny!!! Why does my hair grow up instead of down? I’ll explain, when my hair grows it goes straight up! So most of my length is at the top of my head, weird right?? Speaking of hair, about five years ago I decided to go au natural! Yup I am somewhat chemical free, I say somewhat because I still dye my hair. Not frequently though, the front of my head is practically white. I started graying or is it greying……anyway I started graying when I turned 22 years old. I’ll never forget I looked in the mirror and there it was a tiny gray/grey hair. So now when I pick up my son from school of course they say “oh your grandmother is here!” Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Not that I am too young to be a grandmother but I’M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!!!!!  I would like to know who decided that bacon and eggs are for breakfast? I would prefer it for dinner but the powers that be have dictated that it should be for breakfast. Thank God for Denny’s and IHOP who throws up the middle finger to those dictators!!! When I shop for clothes why do all fat girl stores think we are all built the same? I have hips and butt however, my waist is small and I don’t have a big stomach, what I am really trying to say is under all of this voluptuousness is……………………BEYONCE!!!! Yes I am built just like her just less money to maintain such work of art. Oh but if I did have it baby let’s just say every time I walked down the street you would always hear the opening horns of Crazy in Love!!! Who am I kidding you can hear it now when I walk down the street, only it’s muffled by the sound of my thighs rubbing. Which is why I don’t wear nylons, pantyhose, stockings or whatever you want to call them. Cannot stand the sound of the thighs rubbing in them. It really irks me when I hear them on skinny women, HEY lady you are skinny!!!!! I shouldn’t hear that coming from under your dress!!!! Is it wrong to have such a huge crush on Denzel Washington? I mean this man is like a fine wine………..you know the rest! I’ve only seen Training Day once, I cannot take Denzel being a bad guy. One of these days I am going to finish my great american novel, but until then this is it.

If given the opportunity to tell the truth, would you still lie?

A week ago I watched a parent give their child the opportunity to tell the truth about something they did. See her child had a person of the opposite sex in the house while she wasn’t home, and well you guessed it they had relations in the house. Now she actually had proof hard evidence that the act had occurred but she asked and well the child denied that they even had company over let along did the deed in her home. My girlfriend went on to talk to her child about responsibility, making sure they are mature enough to handle the emotions that come with having sex., not to cheapen it by doing it in a car if you can’t get a hotel room and so on and so forth.

Then she went on to say (which nearly made my eyes pop out of my head) I would kind of understand why you would if you did, why you would choose to have sex in my home. I had to see where she was going with this, because I was completely lost. She went on to explain how she knew how much her child really cared for their “special friend” and how long they had been dating and understood how their relationship would be ready for the next level. My girlfriend then went on to explain how by them being under age they would not be able to actually get a room and that their only place would be either her home or the friend’s home.  She finished with so if this were to happen I would want you to let me know so I don’t have to find out from a nosy neighbor or worse walk in on it. So if it happens or there’s a possibility of it happening please tell me. She was so calm and understanding I felt like I was watching an after-school special or even better……..OPRAH!


Her child listened and then spoke. “thanks Mom I appreciate that….” at this point I just knew this kid would admit it so I perked up and then the little sucker said”…..but I told you I plan on keeping my awesomeness until I get married. I have a great future ahead of me and I’m way too irresponsible to take a chance like that.” WTF!!!!! This kid had the chance to fess up and you blew it!!!!! Why kid why? A few days later my girlfriend finally gave her child the proof and then and only then did the stupid child confessed.

I don’t get it, why if given the opportunity to tell the truth, why do you still lie? Now don’t get me wrong, my girlfriend was FURIOUS when she first found out about the activity that had occurred in her home. However, she was willing to pardon the kid with just a simple misdemeanor charge give a good lecture, maybe a punishment of some sort,but maybe not. Due to the fact that the child decided to forsake a plea bargain and plead guilty, they decided to just risk it. Now the punishment has been given equivalent to 30 years (having to  go to their grandparents house EVERYDAY and do ALL the chores there until they graduate leave her home)  Harsh? Maybe, but if given the opportunity to tell the truth, yeah their might be some consequences but it could be a whole lot worse if you delay it and it is brought to you with all evidence in hand. Just forgo your pride deal with the consequence and…………….TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!!

Who am I?

Who am I? I ask myself that question all the time….on the daily. I know that I am passionate about my love of Black (the race that is) my love of writing, my love of family super love that. My love of self which is been the hardest task, and last but not last my love of God and his infinite power and supreme-ness! (DOPE on all Levels).

I feel myself a lot (take it how you want) I am in constant search of me and all my Dopeness which I believe I have a lot! I contradict myself at least once a week, and I even disagree with myself from time to time. The old me disagrees with the enlightened me. I consider myself as “WOKE” but still have some crust in my eyes. I don’t always see things clearly. I love my black people, yet they work my last to the last nerve! Black lives matter, but I need it to matter more to a lot of our young brothers and sisters. I like to occasionally drink, but I don’t do it very often due to the fact that I had an alcoholic parent and well it wasn’t fun. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that parent with my whole being and missed them dearly, however that habit was hard on the family growing up. Not to mention I already have a habit of my own I cannot afford another one.

Speaking of habits, I love to eat!! I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad I eat, When I’m bored I eat, When I’m not bored I eat. I love food it is a space filler for me. If I smell it I want to devour it! However I don’t like to cook, very often. Wow imagine that a fat girl who does not like to cook. Oh yeah I’m fat or as they say BBW which I am saying that because in all of my fatness, I’m fucking FINE AS HELL!!! This leads me to my potty ass mouth! I curse so much it is f’ing ridiculous!!! My mouth is well,…………….shit it’s MY MOUTH!!! Belongs to me, and I get to say whatever the FUCK I wanna; within reason. I’m a Christian and I don’t always feel that my mouth goes along with my belief (the struggle is real y’all) Any who, this is about what my blog is gonna be about me my life, my issues with myself as well as others. Sometimes I will make you laugh until you cry, or make you cry until you can’t cry anymore. I love me, and I’m learning to love me more each day.

For now,

Cool AKB

(AKB Unified)